THE HOROSCOPE · CLOSED
- Pick your favorite title - Tell us your birthday - Your zodiac sign decides how many votes you get - You find out how many after it's too late to change anything - The chart is final. Take it up with the cosmos.
In honor of Mercury leaving retrograde we're doing horoscopes again! This week's panel is Tommy Vietor, Ben Rhodes, Michael Goldsmith, and Elijah Cone!
Closed Jul 24, 2026, 3:30 PM PDT
- ▶ TO: Babadook-A** Raccoon111.3 · 21%♋ ×5♈ ×3♓ ×3♍ ×2♑ ×2♒ ×2♊ ×1♌ ×1♎ ×1♐ ×121 VOTERS
- TO: Jimothy Boppity Boo101.8 · 20%♉ ×3♊ ×3♓ ×3♈ ×2♋ ×2♏ ×2♐ ×2♎ ×1♒ ×119 VOTERS
- TO: What's Our Jimothy?83.3 · 16%♌ ×3♍ ×2♓ ×2♈ ×1♋ ×1♏ ×1♑ ×1♒ ×112 VOTERS
- TO: An Endlessly Flowing River of Bullsh*t82.8 · 16%♌ ×3♈ ×2♉ ×2♍ ×2♏ ×2♐ ×1♑ ×1♒ ×114 VOTERS
- TO: The Shorts of Hormuz59.3 · 11%♑ ×5♎ ×3♒ ×2♈ ×1♉ ×1♋ ×1♌ ×1♍ ×1♓ ×116 VOTERS
- TO: Who Wears Short-Shorts?31.8 · 6%♉ ×2♌ ×1♍ ×1♎ ×1♏ ×16 VOTERS
- TO: The Devil's Creature22.3 · 4%♋ ×1♍ ×1♎ ×1♒ ×14 VOTERS
- TO: ... and He's Weird14.8 · 3%♎ ×1♏ ×1♑ ×13 VOTERS
- TO: Total Aura Death12.8 · 2%♍ ×1♐ ×1♑ ×1♒ ×14 VOTERS
- TO: Right Back in the Swamp0.8 · 0%
521 VOTES · 99 VOTERS
♏ THE 7 SCORPIO BALLOTS HAVE BEEN UNSEALED AND COUNTED.
THE ELECTORATE, BY SIGN
- ♈ ARIES9 · 9%
- ♉ TAURUS8 · 8%
- ♊ GEMINI4 · 4%
- ♋ CANCER10 · 10%
- ♌ LEO9 · 9%
- ♍ VIRGO10 · 10%
- ♎ LIBRA8 · 8%
- ♏ SCORPIO7 · 7%
- ♐ SAGITTARIUS5 · 5%
- ♑ CAPRICORN11 · 11%
- ♒ AQUARIUS9 · 9%
- ♓ PISCES9 · 9%
THE CHART, DECLASSIFIED
- ♈ ARIES5 VOTESWas already typing a complaint. We caved.
- ♉ TAURUS4 VOTESAll votes are final. Theirs are more final.
- ♊ GEMINI2 VOTESOne vote per twin. The twins disagree.
- ♋ CANCER6.5 VOTESThe half vote is for who they used to be.
- ♌ LEO7 VOTESEasier than arguing. Extra-dramatic reveal included.
- ♍ VIRGO3.000 VOTESReceipt available upon request. It matches.
- ♎ LIBRA1 VOTESplit evenly across every candidate. Perfect balance, zero impact.
- ♏ SCORPIO13 VOTESSealed until close. Counted in the dark.
- ♐ SAGITTARIUS4 VOTESThere were five. One left early to beat traffic.
- ♑ CAPRICORN1 VOTEFollowed the rules. Got exactly what was promised.
- ♒ AQUARIUS1–11 VOTES, RANDOMRandom. Or is it. (It is.)
- ♓ PISCES9 VOTESDreamed this poll before it existed.